it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
