he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
