So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
