Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
