I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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