last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
