I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
