even my farts smell like vagina
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
3 2 1 whiskey
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
