my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
