He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
