i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
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look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
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I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I want to fling myself into the sun
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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