hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
