I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
