remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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