He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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