This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
