I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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