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He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
