I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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