Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Actions speak louder than pants.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
