Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
