why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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