Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
