Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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