I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
