I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
