She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
