It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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