Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
