I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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