threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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