I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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