I'm really into asian looking animals
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
