Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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