just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
