my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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