the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
