i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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