I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
