Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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