OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
