everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
