i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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