Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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