I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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