it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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