The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello my rib-scented angel!
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize