Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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