So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
