nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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