So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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