Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
