Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
