By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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