well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I think I just sharted jello shots
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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