Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
