Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
