Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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