I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
